Aliens, Or Hoopla?

Goggled Eyed News Brief– When area man Aaron George submitted to the local newspaper what he thought was just another boring, grainy, out-of-focus photograph of a UFO, he didn’t expect to uncover a mystery. After publication of his photo he noticed a large, purple hula-hoop captured in the foreground. “It must have appeared through supernatural…

Neanderthal DNA Discovered In Slice Of Pepperoni 

A fascinating new twist in one scientist’s quirky approach to identify the specific origins of mankind has revealed a possible clue in the most unlikely of places. “I don’t know what made me want to test a slice of pepperoni for traces of Neanderthal DNA. I guess it was just a hunch,” said Bert Longlass, geneticist for…

Singularity Forms Inside Man’s Digestive Tract While On Vegan Diet

Brownwood, Tx– A catastrophic nutritional event, similar to the familiar cosmic cataclysm that normally occurs in the far-flung regions of outer space, manifested itself deep within the heart of one local man’s intestinal fortitude today.  No longer able to support the tremendous weight of a meat and dairy free diet, his wavering will-power began collapsing inward.…

Thanks To ED Meds Penis Jokes Regain Popularity Among Older Men

Nearly all medications, especially the effective ones, cause side-effects. Most are undesirable, unwanted, and unpleasant, but occasionally something good–a positive “un”–happens. Thus is the case with ED Meds.  Originally intended as a medication to treat hypertension, these wonder drugs provide us with the pleasant side effect of causing the aging male sex organ to become…

Warm Feet Just Not Worth It For This Secretary

When Debra Swindle decided to place a space heater below her work station she anticipated increased blood flow in her lower extremities, warmer toes, and a much more pleasant work environment. To her delight, she experienced all of this, however, her comfort would soon reveal itself as temporary, and costly. Sources report hearing a distinct,…

Drunken Redneck Denied Patent Approval for Time Machine Steering Wheels. Claims Bernie Sanders at Fault

    Norman, Oklahoma– Following decades of having bright ideas and finally mustering enough courage to pursue one of them, Albert Cropfield discovered only disbelief inside his mailbox today. He devoted literally weeks perfecting what he considers is the greatest innovation in time machine technology, “The Cropfield wheel” or simply put, a steering wheel for time…

Monsanto’s Kids; The True Children Of The Corn.

  The Monsanto Corporation announced today plans to expand their child care facilities here in America. This, in response to the mounting prombem of genetic repossession now being conducted on a daily basis. “It’s just simply unbelievable how many of these children have been illegally obtained,” said Monsanto spokesperson, Jean Switchure.  After being caught stealing patented genetic…