The universe with its hidden mysteries has enthralled humanoids since the first time we glanced up at the heavens, but there is just way too much complicated gobbledygook for the average person to comprehend. We can clearly see the bright, shimmering blobs and shooting streaks as we gaze upwards into the night sky, and impose on their arrangement clever astrological terms, but how do we validate all the supposed real truths our trusted scientists and scholars offer us regarding our cosmic neighbors? What are they hiding? The Goggle has uncovered a few hidden facts.
1.God does exist, and asteroids are proof he hates farts, and we’re annoying the hell out of him with our un-godly flatulence. You love your dog, especially when well-behaved, but if that loyal fur-factory is spewing kibble-laced anal obscenities you’ll want to impose warning before wrath. You don’t wish to cause pain until you see a turd on the floor. You only need to fire a warning shot via a flying shoe or water bottle, or an ear of corn–whatever you can grab and effectively convert into a near-miss projectile–because, like god, you’re a fair and loving master, and anything larger would imply malice, but unlike god you haven’t the time to conjure god-like patience, so a direct hit is acceptable. Hey, you’re only human. Oh but rest assured, the almighty’ s tolerance has a limit. The Chixulub crater has wrath written all over it. A few million years or so of dinosaur-sized farts and mountainous poop piles is enough to rattle even the most tranquil of supreme beings. To make certain dinosaurs would never again rise up and create such a worldwide flatulence problem, God created and designed humans as responsible stewards of the good earth. There’s irony here somewhere.
2. Asteroids, comets–falling stars of all sorts–are not comprised of rock or exotic metals as scientists would prefer us to believe. They are actually the regurgitated, fossilized remains of God’s original hopes, dreams, and expectations for the race of humans he created. That’s right, folks. We’re pinning our wishes on God vomit. For sinful fulfillment of our dietary indiscretions, we’re being stoned with a conglomerate of lament, regret, and disparity. Interesting facts: Martian soil samples reveal the fourth planet as once being the dairy capital of our solar system, and the late residents as violently lactose intolerant.
3. God is really a pretty cool guy when he’s not flinging asteroids during a hissy-fit. Things were pretty calm during the horse and buggy years, but statistically certain political administrations have been proven detrimental to earths safety. Each time a politician touting a fossil-fuel agenda gets elected to office, NASA detects a new near-earth object, capable of mass destruction and devastation. Coincidence? Maybe, but to play it safe, we should do our part to leave those dinosaur farts buried deep in the earth where they belong and walk somewhere once in a while. We don’t want to push god over the top. Seriously, this guy hates irony, and he can hurl planets.
4. Tornados are actually asteroid substitutes. Even the universe’s heaviest hitter suffers a bout of whimsy, occasionally. Atmospheric sampling suggests that tornadoes consist of concentrated farts accumulated in the ionosphere–recycling done on a colossal scale. Clever guy, this God. Those of you residing in the infamous “tornado alley” may wish to reconsider your dietary preferences, or purchase a bicycle.
5. Events like the one at Tunguska, Russia are incorrectly labeled as unfortunate intersections with menacing celestial bodies such as asteroids or comets, but it is a well-kept secret among Russian astronomers that this particular incident bears with it the Russian nickname “Bog Perdet.” Translation; ” God Fart”. Fight fire with fire, right? Apparently, Russians are notorious stinkers.
6. All asteroids and comets originate from Jupiter–God’s gargantuan pitching machine–the core of which contains Gods own hyper-dense, molten flatulence safely stored away as high-octane propellant. Deep within the bowels of this appropriately named gas giant are comets and asteroids waiting like hard balls for launching from the great red eye. The Shoemaker-Levy 9 event was simply a reloading process.
7. Anyone who has ever punctuated their outing at the bar with their face planted firmly within a porcelain ring anatomically designed for the opposite end of the human body can appreciate the fact that “comet” and “asteroid” sound a lot like the terms “vomit” and ” hemmoroid”. We know God can.
8. Meteor Crater in Arizona would hold approximately 82,000,000 cubic yards of vomit, or 55,350,000,000,000 suppositories.
9. Crashing comets, zipping asteroids, or streaking meteorites don’t grant wishes. The next time you see a cosmic flash darting across the sky, remember, you or someone like you has just ripped loose with another one, further disappointing God. But go ahead, you global warming denier, make that futile wish, because there’s a big, fat turd on the floor, and we’re all just going to die soon anyway.