Unable To Master Own Namesake, Jumping Spider Feels Like A Total Screw-Up. 

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Minot, North Dakota–A jumping spider attempted a death-defying leap from the blade of a ceiling fan to the neck of sanitation worker, Todd Freeman, who was preparing to retire for the evening. Missing completely, the incompetent spider landed in a sink where the running water washed it into a drain. Mr. Freeman, hovering over the sink, tooth-brush in hand, cast a curious glance at the featureless blob disappearing expeditiously into the void.

Sources report that sometime around 8:00 pm, following an exhausting climb, the spider emerged from the drain pipe dusted in a dried film of sensodyne extra whitening tooth paste, and boasting a set of highly developed, incredibly irritated eyes from traces of listerine encountered while floating in the thick soup of bodily fluids, hygienic waste, and decomposing hair in the drain trap.

Later, witnesses claim the impotent, creeping furball scaled a headboard and waited, poised for a less aggressive, more moderate leap on a bare-chested Todd Freeman in an effort to regain confidence and cast a shadow of redemption over the recent bathroom debacle. After a unfabulous stumble, the eight-legged embarrassment fell deep into the mattress folds, barley managing to brush Mr Freeman’s  right ear on the way down.

The blundering, unaccomplished spider, wedged and trapped, subsisted for days on bitter bed bug carcasses and chips of human skin with nothing for company but the haunting memories of a life as a miserable waste of exoskeleton.

Mr Freeman liberated the inept insect during a weekly sheet change, going so far as to momentarily cradle the unimpressive specimen of arachnid in his hand. Weak and depressed from a poor diet and days of self-loathing, the jump-less spider failed to assume a threatening pose, administer a painful bite, or strike fear on any respectable level.

After hitching a ride on a cockroach back to the bathroom, the hapless wad of hair reportedly rallied his remaining strength to drag his sorry ass up to the toilet tank lid, where he remains poised for a suicide jump during a convenient flush. Will he find success this time? It seems unlikely, as four out of five entomologists agree that he will probably just find a way to fuck this one up too.


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