Tongues are possibly our most prized appendages. Or organs. Or whatever. We use them to distribute food, taste, entertain, and express ourselves, among other things. They can even help us avoid trouble if we can just bite them hard enough at the appropriate time. However, unleashed they can create havoc out of thin air. Yes, our slick, red, little buddies can keep us out of trouble or plunge us head first into chaos. However we choose to use them, we need to treat them right and keep them healthy. Here are a few rules to follow to do just that.
- Tail Pipes. This one is self-explanatory, but there are some really shiny tail pipes out there these days. No matter how strong the urge to leap underneath that Volvo parked beside you at the traffic light and start licking the chrome off that sucker, you’ll be best advised to leave it alone. However, it’s considered perfectly fine to press your tongue to the shiny surface of a mirror. The trapped, tortured souls who live in constant pain on the other side of the glass find the flattened image of a tongue against a glass surface quite soothing. What, don’t think so? Press your tongue firmly against a pane of glass and hover just over the face of your spouse while they’re sleeping, and wait there until they wake up. Witness the soothing effect for yourself. You…are…welcome.
- No Bonobo. Yes, yes, they’re cute, fuzzy, and so darn friendly, but touching one of these promiscuous primates with a tongue is a big no-no. Don’t even give them a little ear flick. A chimpanzee can rip your face off, so scratch this one from your list. But don’t despair. Though actual contact is a bad idea, you are still free to remain out of harms way and give them a good old raspberry. In fact, stand outside their cage at the zoo and mimic their every move. Be warned, though, you may need a volunteer to help you. These are interesting animals. Have fun!
- Social Workers. Under no circumstance should you ever apply your tongue to the surface of a social worker. Don’t even attempt a drive-by. Just a casual flick to the back of the head as you’re passing through their office constitutes an act of war. As a common retaliation practice in response to unauthorized tonguing, they have been known to eat all food from employee break rooms with extreme prejudice, with little or no regard to clearly labeled containers. They will also sip coffee from heavily stained, unwashed mugs while in clear view of coworkers. They cannot be stopped, and are capable of consuming an entire dozen of chocolate chip cookies laced heavily with ex-lax and suffer no ill effects. As enticing as it is to apply tongue to the social worker in your office, this is an extremely dangerous proposition.
- Car Batteries. The battery cranking the POS parked in your driveway is off-limits, but the one powering your smoke detector is fair game. The reason you even have a smoke detector in that dump you live in is anybody’s guess. It could be that you just need a place to store your nine volt battery. By all accounts this is a no, but as we all know, it’s definitely a go! Yes, that puckered little post is just begging for your tongue to complete the circuit between it and its smooth, erect little buddy. We tell ourselves not to, and undoubtedly, countless tongues before you have caressed its surface and felt the shocking transfer of acid. It’s unsanitary. But it’s right there in plain sight, beckoning, and it’s a thrill. Just when the moment is right, go ahead, do it!
- Your Spleen. If you find yourself able to touch your spleen with your tongue, you have just experienced a violent car crash, or stumbled into some farm machinery. Stop entertaining yourself with frivolous tongue games and use what little time you have left to call for help. By the way, if some un-godly mechanized component or a chunk of ragged steel has ripped your arms from their sockets, it’s ok to touch the glass screen of your phone with your tongue. Remember the tortured souls? Better hurry, lest you join them. Good luck.
- Alf. Alf was not real. Alf was a puppet. A moldy, now degrading puppet buried in a Hollywood prop warehouse somewhere in California. After 102 episodes, and four seasons of being fondled by a sweaty puppeteer, Alf is pretty darn nasty by now. It is unsafe to touch Alf anywhere with your tongue.
- Any Stephen King Novel. Though certainly the greatest horror novelist of the past century, there are many who believe that touching a literary work of this great author with a tongue is risky business. King has undoubtedly vilified at least one tongue in his career, thereby thoroughly pissing-off the gods that govern tongues, and the simple act of licking the cover of Carrie, or just tapping the binding of The Stand with the tip may fate the offender to an unfortunate, and violent encounter with a van on a quiet stretch of road while on a peaceful, contemplative walk. Probably not, but err on the side of caution, and keep your eyes, not your tongue, glued to the pages. Sick-o clowns, possessed cars, evil fingers, and tumbling port-a-pottys be damned, there’s nothing more threatening than a dodge van coming at you; that shit is real, man!
- Anything On The Menu At Taco Bell. Seriously, one touch, and you’ll shit over the moon. Keep moving.
- Women’s Buttholes. Granted, there a few that warrant strict discretion. For all the rest, refer to the nine-volt battery section in rule number four.