Oregon–The Oregon Parks and Recreation Department lost a millenia old natural monument recently when three vandals toppled a balancing rock formation. The ancient icon, aptly named “The Easy Chair With Side Table” remains little more than a chaotic pile of stones after the incident, but this blatant act of senseless destruction didn’t come without a price. “I shit my pants a little tiny bit just before it fell over, said Hunter Dingdong, ringleader of the trio.
Initially, Mr Dingdong identified his act as a simple fart, responding to complaints from his two accomplices of a horrible, lingering stench, but he later confessed to the true nature of his act when the smell refused to dissipate and comply with his original claim.
Further complicating matters, a fence, surrounding the formation, separating it from the accessible areas of the park, caused Mr Dingdong to assume unnatural positions as he negotiated this obstacle. Bending over to better crawl through the barbed wire, and using a full range of motion with his legs forced the malevolent material resting between his buttocks to squeeze out and redistribute itself more offensively, intensifying the odor. “Ok, it wasn’t just a little,” confessed Mr.Dingdong.” It began as just a little bud, but actually achieved full-bloom during the grand finale. That rock was really stuck!”
Unable to sustain the awkward, strangely comical pooh-pooh walk for the three-mile hike through the park, Mr Dingdong removed his underpants and cast them aside. Although the odor weakened significantly as the three vandals continued their retreat, this proved ineffectual as a deterrent to chaffing. Damage done, an upset Mr Dingdong announced plans to seek legal action for undue suffering and acute skin irritation.
This incident may have remained a mystery if not for video footage captured by another park patron. Flying his drone during a recreational visit to the park, a weekend hiker may have uncovered the root cause for the destruction. Mr Dingdong, caught in the act of chucking his tidy-whites reveals the real source of his frustration wasn’t the large, offensive mass clinging to his rear, but is possibly the mediocre, unassuming one permanently attached to his front. No one wants an ironic name.
Reportedly, the video now has over 1.4 million views, and has earned Mr Dingdong the less ironic, unwieldy moniker, “Nubby the Destroyer”.