Transgender Expresses Animosity Towards Urinal 

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A transgender person who identifies as a male has filed a petition for the removal of all urinals and toilet seats from public restrooms.  Winona Hutchings, who hails as Wayne, has found the male designated restrooms of the world less than accommodating. “This is not what I expected,” said Wayne. “Those things [urinals] just hang there on the wall, taking up room, totally  useless to me and other transgendered individuals. I can sense them mocking me. You can’t use me! You can’t use me! You don’t have a peeeeee-nis! Ha ha ha ha haaaa! I feel as if I shouldn’t even be here. Everything about the men’s bathroom just feels wrong to me. And why should I be forced to put the seat down before I pee? This never happened in the women’s bathroom. What the fuck is wrong with society these days? And how am I supposed to flush a tampon down a freaking urinal?”

In addition to the removal of all urinals, the petition includes provisions for the redesign of all toilets destined for commercial use. The new toilets would feature an enlarged ceramic lip at the top of the bowl, essentially replacing the hinged version of the toilet seat, thereby successfully eliminating the possibility someone will leave the seat in the raised position.

LGBT spokesperson, Darryl Anne Bucksworth, proposed a possible solution that would serve the needs of the entire transgender community and not just an isolated disgruntled few. Bucksworth suggests installing the urinals in the women’s bathroom following their removal from the men’s, as well as relocating any fixtures exclusive to females from the women’s room, i.e. tampon dispenser, to the men’s. The two devices would essentially swap places. “This would also create a more favorable environment for men identifying as female who use the women’s restroom facilities. To avoid confusion, however, the gender designations on the doors would remain untouched. I believe the entire LGBT community would agree this is the voice of reason.”

At press time the fate of the wall urinal and traditional toilet design remained in question. At the very least, we can soon expect to see holes in future urinal models large enough to accommodate a spent tampon. However, men who cling to the out-dated method of standing to pee worry this alteration will only sully the good name of the penis-specific plumbing fixture they loving refer to as the urinal.

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