Area Man Blames Hulk for Lettuce Diet, Bulbulous Head And Skinny Apendages

 

Josh Skinner recently denounced lettuce as a food choice. “My parents lied to me,” he said. “They told me if I ate my lettuce I would grow big and strong, like the Hulk. That’s why he’s green they told me. Because he eats lots of salad.”

Josh, a twenty-five year old convenience store clerk, became aware of his condition when a kind patron observed that Josh’s head appeared much too large for his body. Josh paused briefly to consider his reflection in one of the plate-glass windows adjacent to his work area. He then realized for the first time the awkward, almost comical shape of his body. “Wow,” he said. “I’m a goddamned string bean. I mean, a head is mostly just bone anyways so I don’t fault it much, but these freaking arms are pixie sticks. And these feet! Fuck! Clown shoes! No damn wonder I can’t get a girlfriend. Man! I look like a freaking tinker toy contraption. This is what I get for eating rabbit food. I should at least had a bologna sandwich occasionally. Or shit, even a chicken leg. Maybe we should feed rabbits a steak once in a while and they would stop eating their young.”

“To this day, I have this recurring nightmare that there is an airport inside my head, and tiny airplanes are smuggling horrible tasting food into my mouth.”

Josh’s parents admit they’re probably responsible for his condition. “We may have gone overboard by instilling false realities in Josh to bend him to our will and force him to eat food he didn’t like,” said his mother. “We’re not proud of ourselves. It all started when he was just a baby. Everything was going well until his father made the Hulk/salad reference. Josh never touched another bite of meat. He focused exclusively on lettuce. Sometimes he would sit alone with a plate piled high with iceberg, romaine, or his all-time favorite, buttercrunch, and methodically devour it all, chewing and mumbling big and strong, big and strong, over and over until his plate was clean.”

Medical professionals all agree that Josh’s physical condition is undoubtedly the result of a hyper-vegan diet, and that his parents, though well-meaning, are largly responsible. Additionally, Josh suffers psychologically from his parents creative efforts to encourage his finicky appetite to expand its boundaries. Josh recalled his childhood ordeal. “To this day, I have this recurring nightmare that there is an airport inside my head, and tiny airplanes are smuggling  horrible tasting food into my mouth.”

Sources from the local swimming pool report Josh’s condition has also stirred concern from onlookers who fear at any moment one of his sickly toothpick-ish legs may snap while he bounces on the diving board. Thad Dickman, local life guard, expressed his opinion. “Personally, I believe he’s a liability issue. I slapped him on the back once to congratulate him on a great effort to perform a cannonball into the pool, even though he barely made a splash. I mean, I was just trying to build his confidence. Heck, I just about broke his neck. That head is just crazy big. It looks like a hot air balloon with a ramen noodle dangling from it. That boy needs some pepperoni or at least some giblet gravy occasionally. Maybe he should wear a neck brace.”

Josh has vowed to eat more meat and pack on some muscle for his own safety and to stop grossing people out. “I’ve got a lot of catching up to do,” he said. “I blame the Hulk, because he’s green. I’ve established an effort to change his color to red with maybe some marbling throughout–the Green Must Go movement. Children will soon associate him with meat and include some much-needed protein in their diet.”

Recently, Josh conquered a double meat cheese burger–cut the lettuce— at a local fast food restaurant. The burger reportedly appeared ridiculously huge in contrast to his spindly frame. One diner suggested Josh appeared as a two-headed creature with one head eating the other. “It was like watching a freak show,” said Red Roundbellow. “That boy needs him some good old home cooking.”

At press time Josh entered a local Wal-Mart where he purchased a normal size wrist watch that resembles a huge freaking clock strapped to his skinny ass wrist. Sources report he is now being mistaken for a rap singer and is considering ditching the Green Must Go movement in favor of a recording career that will showcase the struggles encountered by anyone adopting an all-lettuce diet.

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