Neanderthal DNA Discovered In Slice Of Pepperoni 

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A fascinating new twist in one scientist’s quirky approach to identify the specific origins of mankind has revealed a possible clue in the most unlikely of places. “I don’t know what made me want to test a slice of pepperoni for traces of Neanderthal DNA. I guess it was just a hunch,” said Bert Longlass, geneticist for North American Biotechnologies.

The discovery indicates that Neanderthals migrated from early pizza parlors in Europe to the Americas as far back as 400,000 years ago. Other common pizza ingredients were later tested, but none yielded impressive results for early human ancestry, identifying  pepperoni as the “go-to” pizza topping for Neanderthals with discerning tastes. Canadian style bacon emerged as the least likely pizza topping for  ancient man, followed closely by pineapple.

Recent studies have shown that 36 percent of Americans contain pepperoni DNA at any given moment. This figure is closely mirrored by the percentage of Americans considered obese–35.7 percent. Modern humans who share this genetic link with Neanderthals demonstrate a unique ability to quickly recognize two-for-one bargains of the medium and large multi-topping varieties, and are instinctively drawn to buffet style dining establishments. This enables them to effectively feed themselves without possessing any useful cooking skills. Our Neanderthal ancestors likely developed this trait after enduring thousands of years of burnt, tasteless table fare, as the first cookbook wouldn’t be published until the early 5th century. Researchers warn, however, having excessive levels of pepperoni DNA in your genetic recipe boosts the risk of wearing yoga pants–even though you probably shouldn’t. Also, it increases the likelihood you will opt for the motorized shopping cart at Wal-Mart well before the age of thirty, and it intensifies the aroma and duration of flatulence

It will take decades for scientists to fully map the genetic sequence of the pepperoni, thus revealing all its hidden secrets of the Neanderthals, but for now, one bizarre discovery has shed light on a few sought after questions, thanks to the unorthodox approach to science of one gonzo geneticist who has announced his plans to move forward with the next logical step in solving the riddles of human ancestry.  “As soon as adequate funding is in place we hope to unlock the mystery of the meatball.”

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