For decades untold, when discussing topics as complex as everything, to the non-existent, mind-boggling vastness of nothing, the name Amos Grundy has flown from the lips of almost every human on the planet. Mr Grundy, or Old Amos as he is often addressed, announced to his peers and his public today that he will be retiring, effective immediately. In the wake of this sad and unfortunate news, we can but rely upon our cherished and valued memories of all his astonishing accomplishments–the outstanding, anti-mediocrity of his full and complete successfulness. Congratulations!
From the pineapple choked plains of Oahu, to the tweed-clad drunks that stumble through the pubs of Ireland, to the dolerite sills of South Africa, to just about anywhere from the far away, distant, hardly tangible, to the near everywhere of close to home, old Amos has regaled our palates, sparked madness in our imagination, and teased our funny bones with the blunt end of a whimsy stick. Way to go!
No one knows better than his local, loyal following just how completely Amos Grundy has enriched our lives. You know who you are, so stand up and applaud this wonder of mankind, this savior of the human condition, this brilliant glint of hope in a desert of despair. Amos Grundy, all those who know you personally celebrate the incomparable opportunity so graciously bestowed upon us to have existed in the same township, the same universe, and to have breathed the same molecules of oxygen as you. You are one super-bad Mofo!
There will never be, nor has there ever been, another outstanding human being like Amos Grundy. So, all ye countrymen, when you’re chugging that beer at the end of this day, giving thanks to the governing forces of the universe for all your accomplishments, your sheer luck, your God-given strength to carry on, and for granting you safe passage through yet one more portal leading to another sunrise shining like a beacon of hope promising adventure, raise a glass in honor of old Amos, the one we all most certainly, and undeniably know better than ourselves, the man whose presence remains ingrained in our lives almost as well as our DNA is so intrinsically connected with our physical being. Here’s to you, Amos Grundy, and for all you have done. Godspeed old friend! Godspeed and carry on you freaking awesome son-of-a-bitch!