Brownwood, Tx– A catastrophic nutritional event, similar to the familiar cosmic cataclysm that normally occurs in the far-flung regions of outer space, manifested itself deep within the heart of one local man’s intestinal fortitude today. No longer able to support the tremendous weight of a meat and dairy free diet, his wavering will-power began collapsing inward. Fad dieter, Twiggy Plumper, concluded yet another chapter in his tale of absurd culinary adventures in his tireless, yoyo-like quest to obtain a stable, healthy weight. A close acquaintance of Mr Plumper claims to have witnessed early warning signs of something malevolent brewing. “Sea weed snacks. Who the hell eats seaweed snacks? Have you ever seen the movie Soylent Green? No good can come of eating anything green.”
During meals, Mr Plumper reportedly often points and recites the phrase, “Hey, what’s that over there?” Accompanied by an exaggerated look of deep, puzzling curiosity this tactic distracts all but the most savvy of dinner guests. “There was never anything there out of the ordinary,” said Squeaky Plumper, Mr Plumpers wife. “I just thought he was suffering hallucinations from lack of beer and pork skins.”
Immediately afterwards, suspicious diners complained of vanishing food items. “I counted my fwench fwies,” said three-year old Tiny Plumper. “There were furty-nine, and when I turned back around, there was only furty-two.”
Coworkers report inconsistencies in fast food orders retrieved by Mr Plumper. “Once, he delivered us a seven and a half piece McNugget, a nine count twelve pack of tacos, and a Little Caesars pizza-pizza downgraded to, well, just pizza,” said Tootie Pincher.
Those familiar with Mr Plumper’s eccentric dieting practices agree that if he would only include the occasional cheeseburger, or even sprinkle a few bacon bits into his salads, these disasters could be avoided. Nate Weissman, spokesperson for the world-renowned dieting support group whose efforts focus on the perils of choosing non-palatable, low-calorie “nutritious” food items–Dieters Understanding Non-realistic Goals, or DUNG, expressed the organization’s opinion regarding this curious diet-aborting phenomenon. “Don’t go full vegan. You never go full vegan.”
Mr Weissman concluded by quoting two famous, and charismatic leaders;
…It would appear as if man is really unable to sustain life without either meat or milk…
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
According to sources, Mr Plumper is currently engaged in an activity best known as bang-bang, an eating exercise first inspired by the comedic genius of Louis C.K., whereas someone eats a full meal of one cuisine, then immediately indulges in another full course of a different cuisine. In Mr Plumper’s case, however, a more applicable term would be, bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang…bang… until finally, during an event analogous to the restaurant scene in Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life there is one final BIG-bang.
Concerned city officials have contacted Stephen Hawking, theoretical physicist, hoping to render a solution to the developing situation before it reaches astronomical proportions. “Why are you people bothering me?” said Stephen Hawking. “I’m a physicist, not a freaking dietician. You’re probably the same bozos that placed power poles in the middle of the sidewalk on Austin avenue. Have you ever tried to negotiate a wheelchair around a series of power poles planted squarely in the center of a stretch of sidewalk? It’s called a sidewalk. Not a side-plant-some-fucking-poles-here-walk! Why don’t you ask the genius that approved that disaster. I’m sure that person can offer a multitude of illuminating suggestions. The first one will probably be; Hey, here’s an idea, why don’t we install some fucking power poles in the center of a sidewalk?”
As Mr Plumper continues to migrate erratically along Commerce, local law enforcement advises Brownwood residents to avoid close contact with the anomaly and to dress their children in leafy green vegetables, carrot or banana costumes, and to keep all snack size pets secured with a leash. Fast-food patrons will discover only fruit and leafy green choices available. The stellar singularity growing inside Mr Plumper’s digestive system is devouring all deep-fried, processed, breaded, battered, cheese encrusted, doubled, tripled, Whata or Mc-sized, high calorie menu selections leaving no unhealthy fare available at local restaurants, with the possible exception of that asian food place whose cephalopod, crustacean-ized, sweet-n-sour, what-in-the-name-of-Jesus-is-that, lard-laden salad bars resist the gravitational pull of even the sturdiest of appetites.
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