Brownwood, Tx.– Winter. An age as cold and unrelenting as time itself, but area resident, Stanley Norwood knows how to handle it. “I just start a fire.”
Start a fire. A simple yet effective method to stave off the cold. All but forgotten by modern society, with the rising cost of electricity, the wood heater is enjoying a resurgence in popularity. Just toss in a few logs, strike a match and relax. And if one has a measure of accelerant and a few fire starter squares, things just get easier.
When Stan entered through the sliding doors of the local Tractor Supply Company he set his sights on just that—making things easier. “I pay people to change flat tires for me,” he said.
Stan, no stranger to the TSC floor plan, bravely suppressed an urge to pilfer through the bargain-bin tool selection, and deftly negotiated his way to the isle containing the wood heater accessories. However, approaching the winter product section, he found the familiar display area occupied with asparagus crowns, tulip bulbs, and humus… fortified with worm poop. Great for building a fire beneath a tomato plant, but it won’t cut your heating costs.
A brief inquiry revealed a questionable decision by TSC to drastically decrease the inventory of all cold season merchandise and relocate it to an obscure section of the store to create room for springtime displays. Taken aback, Stanley openly voiced his disapproval concerning the chilling development. “It’s only the second week of January,” he said. “I flunked boy scouts. Man, I’m in trouble.” In response, a helpful TSC associate firmly stated in no uncertain terms that winter is over! Stanley, clearly struggling to contain himself, described the fiery excitement welling up inside him at that moment. ” I’ve never liked the month of February and felt delighted to discover that we’ll be skipping it this year,” he said. “I just had to thank TSC for their awesome powers of meteorological manipulation to triumph over such an undesirable season. They don’t hug at TSC. Did you know that?”
He dashed from the store and returned home to retire his long pants and thermals, retrieve his shorts and t-shirts from storage, dust off his flip-flops and check the expiration date on his coppertone sunblock. Sources report a one-click purchase of a 64 oz bottle of ocean potion from Amazon, designated for delivery to the Norwood residence in three to five days–just in time to soothe a sunburn.
However, Stan’s elation would soon lead to disappointment. The following morning found him standing on his front porch in his sun-dancer flops eyeballing a toe-numbing twenty-six degree readout on his Tractor Supply endorsed digital thermometer. “Dang it, I’ll bet that ocean potion has already shipped,” he said. Stan searched for some modicum of evidence proving that the confident TSC associate had toppled winter, but he soon faced a cold, hard reality—winter was not, in fact, “over” as clearly demonstrated in these recent photos taken by Stan during the morning in question.
Satisfied that warmer weather would return as scheduled, and that a TSC employee had not exercised Zeus-like powers to speed the earth’s faithful, repetitive journey around the sun, Stan contacted TSC headquarters in Brentwood, Tennessee. “Our stores occupy old Wal-Mart structures,” said TSC spokesperson Cahokia Collins. “Unfortunately, this causes us to suffer from interim ADD, or IADD, whereas we cannot focus on one season for its entirety before switching to another.” Miss Collins apologized on behalf of TSC and offered Stanley several discount coupons good towards the purchase of Christmas decorations, which they expect to have on display just after Valentines Day, or possibly Easter if they can hold out that long.