Americans convened at Town Hall Thursday to discuss expanding background checks for the purchase of pointy sticks. In attendance were the
useless usual political parties, President Obama, some liberal guy, millennial girl, several pointy stick nuts, and a few sketchy characters dressed in camouflage. One such character maintained that the right to arm one’s self was to insure protection against potential tyranny. “We need our sticks to protect ourselves from a corrupt gooberment. ”
Most pointy stick nuts presented logical, well-founded concerns about their protection needs, suggesting that background checks are a step in the wrong direction. “Any amoral person possessing a stick with access to a rough surface to grind it on can place a point on the end of it,” said Lance Cashew. Confronted with this obvious fact, liberal guy, notorious for opposing strong points, grimaced and said, “Huh?” In rebuttal, millennial girl suggested expanding restrictions to include blunt lumber products as well, much like the one used in the documentary “Walking Tall” where a crazed veteran used a 4×4 club to dismantle a gambling casino and critically injure many innocent bystanders in the process. “He just whipped the tar out of them poor folks,” she said. Mack Pinion, avid pointy stick nut, pointed out for the digital native that the recent “Walking Tall” was actually a tenuous remake of a 1973 hit movie starring Joe Don Baker, portraying the real-life struggles of Tennessee sheriff Beauford Pusser, and is superior to its diluted, predictable, younger cousin despite its obvious lack of a moral compass, featuring more engaging characters, a harder-hitting, enthralling plot, and was not in fact a documentary. Liberal guy took a bong hit to rally his intellect, and managed a more focused and profound, “Huh?”
Corn dog entrepreneur, Smut Robinson, expressed his concerns for the corn dog industry. “Have you ever tried to push a blunt stick into a weiner? Without the stick, it’s just a big ridiculous pig-in-a-blanket. Do you eat corn dogs, Mr President?”
President Obama appeared uneasy before answering “no.” Shortly after, he admitted to once borrowing a corn dog while at Camp David. “It wasn’t an actual corn dog,” he said. “It was one of those pancake batter things, and I’m not much of a breakfast person.”
Mr Robinson’s efforts to defend his corn dog empire were soon swamped by a sudden, suspicious wave of immigrants washing through the room interrupting discussions and causing mass confusion. Democrats rushed to campaign for illegal votes while republicans began building a wall using the vacated chairs. Eighty three new corn dog employees got hired, but most illegals were personally ferried into blue states by Hillary Clinton.
With all political parties sufficiently distracted, president Obama quickly signed an executive order proclaiming it illegal to use a rough surface to place a point on a stick or fashion a club out of lumber with which to whip the tar out of anyone, especially the gooberment.