Oregon’s Moolitia Occupation

[Photo by Goggle Bob]

[Photo by Goggle Bob]

Oregon– In rural Oregon today, a herd of Holstein cattle aggressively took charge of a chicken farm. They were reportedly heavily armed with a bear, two wolves, and a badger. Immediately afterwards president Obama announced that his minions staff was redoubling their efforts to strengthen background checks for the purchase of wild animals. “This is why weasels should be outlawed,” he said, tearfully.

After the seizure of the Chick-Fil-A owned farm, a pig named Napoleon arrived and established himself as ruler. Though retired since the 1945 Animal Farm incident, Napoleon is still considered a competent mediator. Bud Fryer, spokesperson for the popular chicken sandwich franchise, committed on the takeover. “Since this is clearly an allegorical situation, we feel it’s best that Napoleon be the one to conduct negotiations.”

Resident chickens from neighboring farms remain critical of the lack of local law enforcement participation. “If these were black cows, or white cows this would already be over,” said one flustered hen. “No one seems to know how to handle black and white in such unity.”

After a brief meeting with the malcontents, the aging Napoleon returned with an explanation for the moolitia occupation as well as any demands being made. “For the moment, the situation seems pretty stable,” he said. “There’s a lot of talk about banning lactose intolerance, but the primary argument focuses on Chik-Fil-A demonizing beef to fortify their chicken sandwich campaign. The cows insist It’s a vulgar overreach of power.”

Though there’s a minor outpouring of support for the moolitia, most local cattle agree that the occupation is just pain ridiculous. Most of the population is, in fact, employed by Chik-Fil-A, and any gains they receive will only reverberate throughout the bovine community as a loss shared by all cattle–even the non-supporters. “My granny paints those billboards on the highways,” said one proud calf.

Many of the chickens were reportedly at the bank depositing their government subsidy checks when the siege began, further facilitating the success of the moolitia to gain control of the farm for an indefinite length of time.

However, the standoff ended abruptly when the bear and the wolves remembered that they were actually natural predators of cattle and soon devoured all moolitia members. The badger remains missing, but an assault weasel had “gone off” unexpectedly and killed three innocent chickens.

At press time the Liberal party announced their support for any organization wishing to blame guns for this tragedy.



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