Brownwood, Tx.– Bees are not the only hard-working organisms vanishing these days. CCD, or colony collapse disorder, the malady that decimates bee colonies by causing confusion within the ranks of the worker bee population seems to have extended its reach to include The Home Depot. The popular lumber and hardware provider is reportedly suffering real losses in their workforce. Honey-do extraordinaire, Jim Henpeckerton explains; “I do most of my best engineering in the aisles, and I don’t like being interrupted, especially by someone masquerading as a road cone, but when I do ask for help, they just seem to vaporize shortly thereafter. Poof! Because they never return. Kinda spooky. Come to think of it, this orangey place reminds me of Halloween. I’m more of a Christmasy kinda guy. Cheerful, you know.”
It’s not yet clear whether the Home Depot staff have abandoned their jobs or perhaps are just wandering aimlessly through some remote section of the store, i.e. the break room. Reports indicate that just before vanishing they recite the phrase “This is not my department. I’ll go find someone to help you”. The reply of “yes” to the question “Can I help you?” seems to stir confusion in their minds and render them unable to stay on task or to find their way back.
The Home Depot would like to offer its condolences to close friends and family members of all those employees who have seemingly evaporated or have possibly been teleported to a parallel universe or alternate dimension as a result of just trying to help. They would also like to extend their apologies to any patrons currently experiencing extended wait times and are offering them a free orange five gallon bucket to sit on.
Billy Wonkerman, spokesperson for the Oopma Institute of Home Depot Employee Behavior, states that the recent disappearances could serve as an indicator that the cause of CCD has mutated to affect more than just bees. “It was only a matter of time until it jumped species,” he said.” Bees and humans are the two most studied organisms on the planet, and for a good reason. They’re a pretty good barometer for what’s going to happen to us next.”
Wonkerman later concluded that Home Depot’s site selection for their Brownwood Texas location may have played a role. “Such close proximity to Wal-Mart may have accelerated the process. Employees over there have been missing for years,” he said. “Just look at all the unmanned checkout lanes.”
Mr Henpeckerton wasn’t available for further comment. He was last spotted leaving The Home Depot empty-handed in search of a place called “McCoys” and could be heard mumbling something about the color green being a more Christmas appropriate color.