Rock Springs, Wy– Normally a self-centered individual, Miles Swisherman opted to try something new; putting someone else first. After Stopping at a local Wal-Mart to purchase some clearanced last minute food items, then locking themselves out of their car, The Swishermans were forced to wait outside in the snow until the Pop-A-Lock van arrived. Mr Swisherman, the only one wearing a jacket, offered it to his wife on a whim. ” Just thought I’d give this whole selfless thing a whirl. I’ve heard so much about it, and, well, I just wanted to feel good. I mean, it worked for the Grinch.”
Afterwards, Mr Swisherman conveyed feelings of disappointment. “I almost froze to death. My fingers were numb. I didn’t enjoy myself in the least, and I considered asking for my coat back.” The act of sharing left him with only feelings of regret. Inside, his heart wasn’t warm nor did he feel the least bit fuzzy, but he did complain to Mrs Swisherman about having an itchy throat.
Late that afternoon while visiting his in laws, he gave the whole “being thoughtful” gig one last shot, but sadly, experienced similar results. Anticipating pumpkin pie and finding only one slice remaining, he ignored the gurgling protest emanating from his gut and made the announcement, “Anyone want the last piece of pie?” Much to his dismay, someone did. He watched as his father-n-law enjoyed each delicious spoonful of pie. He waited for some form of satisfaction to strike, but all he could conjure was contempt. “With every bite, I felt just that much emptier,” he said.
Close family members claim that the would-be philanthropist obviously felt cheated out of his emotional “high”. During the return trip home that evening he reportedly selected only songs he preferred on the radio, hogged the covers in bed later that night, and sometime around three a.m. raided the fridge eating the entire contents of a margarine tub filled with leftover dressing along with every last drop of giblet gravy. An entire platter of christmas cookies also remains at large.