Drunken Redneck Denied Patent Approval for Time Machine Steering Wheels. Claims Bernie Sanders at Fault

 

 

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The Future of Time Travel?

Norman, Oklahoma

Following decades of having bright ideas and finally mustering enough courage to pursue one of them, Albert Cropfield discovered only disbelief inside his mailbox today. He devoted literally weeks perfecting what he considers is the greatest innovation in time machine technology, “The Cropfield wheel” or simply put, a steering wheel for time machines, only to find himself watching his dreams of fame and fortune fade silently into the past. “I just don’t get it,” he said. “This could save lives.”

Never one to be discouraged by rules, the gun-toting, tobacco spitting, beer guzzling Mr. Cropfield decided to steer his plans into full swing despite his failure to secure exclusive rights. When asked why he thought a time machine would need a steering wheel, he explained that not only has he experienced first hand the dangers involved in rudderless time travel, it was also the next logical evolutionary step of any manned time traveling device. “When you’re ripping through the fabric of the space/time continuum you’ll need a way to keep from bumping into any other time machines…or scaring people.”

Mr. Cropfield alleges his idea struck him during the return trip of a beer run, and places him well ahead of the curve. When asked which curve he was referring to he said he wasn’t really sure, but not to confuse it with the curve he missed shortly before colliding with a fence post and bashing his head on an ordinary steering wheel. ” Like I told the highway patrol, that thing just appeared out of nowhere then disappeared.” Mr Cropfield described a time traveling contraption whizzing out of control and nearly ramming into his truck. “It just vanished! That’s when the idea hit me. You just never can tell when inspiration is gonna strike. Or how hard,” he said as he rubbed a scar on his forehead. (Mr Cropfield insists his invention is not a scam designed to help satisfy the financial requirements of his recent felony DUI.)

Upon examination the upgraded steering wheels seem as normal as the ones found on any ordinary automobile. Mr Cropfield, however, claims that this is an intentional design engineered to accommodate a smooth transition from todays mode of travel to that of tomorrow. When asked to describe what made a time machine steering wheel different from an ordinary one he said. “Duh, it’s for a time machine, silly.” He added that by applying his special technique, any standard steering wheel could be retro-fitted to suit time machine functionality, and anyone wishing to donate their old steering wheels could do so for only the cost of shipping. Any donations would also be greatly appreciated. 

 Boasting a $5,000.00 price tag, the Cropfield Wheel is out of range for most everyone but the extremely wealthy.  Many cry foul and insist that this is a prime example of price gouging, but in  his defense Mr Cropfield reiterated, ” Duh, it’s for a time machine.”   During a subsequent tirade he expressed his disdain for lawyers. “There’s your price gougers!”

When asked when he expected to see the first time machine in operation, he insisted that his recent encounter and his patent refusal served as proof that at least one, or perhaps two already are. In an alternate timeline, he postulates that  the Cropfield Wheel made him a multi-billionaire and someone (probably Bernie Sanders) took note of this, and returned to the past to prevent any acquisition of a patent to accommodate Bernie’s own personal dream of spreading the wealth. Mr Cropfield opened a beer and appeared disgusted. “We’re lucky old Bern didn’t run someone down gittin’ here with no way to steer that thing. Them socialist fellers just don’t think all that far ahead.”

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Currently, Bernie Sanders is rumored to be receding even farther into the past along with his hairline and cannot not be reached for comment.

 

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