Pensacola, Florida— Gerald Dumas received an early surprise this holiday season just days after requesting that his nephew pack his things and leave. “He just showed up for thanksgiving dinner,” said Mr. Dumas. “He stayed to watch the game afterwards, and then just kinda kept on staying.” The nephew, Josh Sqawter, insists that despite arriving unannounced, his uncle offered a welcome that included the terms “anytime” and “you’re family“. Also, the phrases “make yourself at home“, and “we don’t mind throwing an extra tater in the pot” were tossed-out freely and with much gusto. After only three weeks, and with christmas fast approaching, Josh was in fact “feeling right at home” when his uncle handed him his laundry and asked him to go. Undeterred by his recent tragedy Josh filed suit against his uncle for misrepresenting his true feelings and exploiting the holiday spirit for personal gain. “He’s got plenty of damn room in that house,” said Josh. “I mean, they hardly sit on the couch anymore because that’s where I sleep. They’re always at work, I only use the half-bath, I don’t even take a shower, and I make certain that none of the beer goes bad. It’s all about greed, I tell you.”
In response to Josh’s ordeal, unwelcomed sympathizers statewide have stepped forth to offer their support by forming the organization “All Welcomes Matter”. Despite the lack of any racial discrimination whatsoever, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have both offered their support for AWM, and are rallying to re-open the doors of households across America that have previously offered a welcome that has since been rescinded. Also, they have announced they will be lobbying to force all manufacturers of welcome mats to include a disclaimer after the word “welcome” alerting any visitors to a possible unceremonious ejection from the household without prior notice. However, it is rumored that since neither Al or Mr. Jackson will be receiving monetary gain for the adjusted terms on the welcome mats, they have unwelcomed themselves to the cause, and are en route to the airport.
In light of the recent dismissal from the un-fabulous duo, Josh has announced plans to travel west. He intends to seek out his cousins in the great state of Texas, where he hopes to receive a sturdier, more reliable, and much larger welcome.