In the wake of the recent scrutiny concerning the ball inflation practices of the New England Patriots, a new, more highly pressurized scandal has emerged. Quite the opposite of the supposed under inflated footballs, is the over blown coverage from almost every media outlet involved with this event…which is pretty much all of them. This new scandal, coined as “flatulate gate” has earned its title justly so. The bloated opinions of accusers being spewed from reporters and journalists are surely stinking up the atmosphere of the impending and much-anticipated super bowl. “They’re just full of hot air as usual,” said one disappointed fan. “They’ve tainted an age-old tradition, and struck a putrid blow to the heart of America just to cater to their already swollen egos.”
It seems that somewhere, someone with influence is unhappy with the way things have turned out, and is saturating the atmosphere with the thick and unwelcome stench of retribution. No doubt about it, loosing stinks, but sore losers stink things up for everyone. It’s almost as if American journalism has lifted its leg and let loose a ripper in every living room and sports bar across the nation. “It’s everywhere you look,” said Spike Golong, hot wing and football enthusiast. “I’m trying to follow events–significant events–happening in the rest of the world, and all these liberal stinkweeds want to talk about is how much air may or may not have been in eleven footballs. Someone should deflate them [liberal stinkweeds].”
Not all opinion surrounding the deflating scandal is negative. Despite the obvious silliness of the whole thing, the over zealous coverage of this trivial accusation has garnered a small, unexpected measure of support from at least one unlikely source. “I don’t even watch football,” said Thumper Oddbible, professional Jehovah’s witness. “But I sure hope they catch the guilty party because I’ll bet he’s the same one letting the air out of my bicycle tires every night.”
So, when is the air going to clear? When will the media find a new minor interest to keep us up-to-date on? Probably not before one of our most treasured celebrities must apologize for a drunken tweet, or a wardrobe malfunction. Or some urban minority publicizes their contemptible parenting skills on Facebook. If we’re really lucky, our shallow, entertainment orientated news figures might wade into the deep end of the pool, and showcase something we can’t just stumble across on social media all on our own. Until then, we’ll be forced to breathe into our lives the malodorous, repetitive rhetoric that is becoming the standard for American journalism, and seek out, through our own investigative efforts, the more important events that actually impact our lives, and change the world we live in.
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