Brownwood, Tx– When Walmart janitorial technician Bushy Puschbrum prepared himself for a routine bathroom clean-up involving a regretful Walmart patron, and a recent lunch at Gomez restaurant that culminated into an overachieving fecal event, he opened the door on an exceptionally odd development as he reached for a mop bucket. Inside a seldom visited closet, where he sought to find cleaning supplies, the thick aroma of boiled grease and scorched beef assaulted his senses. Bushy could hardly contain himself. “It was like walking into an Allsups. You know, the aroma of fried food floating in the air, the grease sticking to your body. Man, it was sumptuous!” Following a brief inspection of his surroundings, Bushy realized he had stumbled into a Burger King. Bushy soon found himself placing an order in blissful anticipation of having things his way. “It was nearly lunchtime anyhow, and I don’t mind standing to eat.”
Walmart officials stated that they have been aware of the Burger King in the closet for some time now. “It’s really not a bother,” said Margret Laiziaye.”It’s not much more than a fryolator in the corner. Besides, the muddy swirl of saturated fat and cholesterol drifting throughout the store is a great form of subliminal advertising that accurately reflects our merchandise; an aphrodisiac for the indiscriminate shoppers we attract.”
When questioned how the Burger King was able to manifest itself in the supply closet, Miss Laiziaye postulated that because there are now so many Walmarts in the world, they are becoming inbred. The random appearance of the Burger King is the result of a mutated gene within the Walmart DNA. She also insisted that the Brownwood Walmart continues to monitor the situation closely, and remains ready to take drastic measures, if need be, to avoid mirroring the crisis that occurred during the store’s early years when a particularly nasty McDonalds infestation had taken root in the opposite end of the popular shopping center. “That thing got away from us in a hurry,” she said. “Early on, it expanded itself to include an actual dining area. Lines formed and flowed fluidly in the ample space, and customers could sit comfortably while enjoying a big mac. That lured people in. We don’t plan to allow that to happen again.”
When questioned about the challenges involved that plague such a small service area, and Walmart’s clear determination to squash any expansion efforts, Frank Yumbo, Burger King manager, offered some smart advice. “Upon entering, patrons should pretend they are journeying to Narnia. If they can just maintain that fantasy until they have completed their meal, they will avoid feeling crowded.
Mr Yumbo also said that a more spacious dining area could be created by sacrificing a sizable portion of the kitchen and hiring only skinny meth-heads, but then there would no longer be enough room to accommodate preparation of their flagship product–the whopper.
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