Man Seeks Divorce From New Years Resolution On Grounds Of Abuse

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Brownwood, Tx.– After spending some time with his recent New Years resolution a Brownwood man is having second thoughts. On the surface, getting into shape seemed like an attractive notion, but for Richard Phail things have turned ugly. Sorting through a closet brimming with Nike swooshes and Reebok running shoes in colors so vivid they hurt the eyes, one can easily see how he was fooled. “It lured me with this awesome wardrobe, using words like Dri-Fit, cool crotch, and zero drop.” The resolution promised to make Richard leaner, stronger, and more attractive, but it hid dark secrets.

 

The Resolution is denying Richard his favorite foods. Oatmeal and Progresso lite soups dominate over Cheeseburgers and french fries. Richard’s diet is healthier, and threatens to become a way of life–a never-ending buffet of vapid cuisine. “My senses are deteriorating. Everything tastes like cardboard,” he said. “No, actually I ate some cardboard once, and it tasted better. And how the hell do they get bacon from a turkey anyway?” For Richard, eating is now a task of chewing and swallowing methodically, without feeling or emotion.

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Dazed and weak from lack of greasy, indiscriminate caloric intake, a confused version of Richard’s former self recently wandered into a local gym where his relationship has since taken a tragic, but illuminating turn. While in his weakened state he signed a six month contract, and also hired a private trainer/cardio nazi. “The trainer is the worst,” he said. “A bully. He makes me do all the work. Push-ups, sit-ups, planks, and all he does is order me around.”

 

Close Friends agree that this is a pattern that has haunted Richard his entire adult life. “It happens almost every year. He gets drunk during the holidays, and falls in love with the first resolution he meets.” Richard has admitted that he has a problem, and has promised to seek help.

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Currently, Richard is legally separated from his resolution, and has found refuge at a Buffalo Wild Wings where he is making a miraculous recovery. Since it has only been a few days, he hopes that his resolution will move on if he stays out of sight. Unfortunately for Richard though, unlike his shallow relationship with his resolution, his gym contract is legal and binding.

photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/phowardphoto/8884077070/”>howardpa58</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>cc</a>photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/phowardphoto/8884077070/”>howardpa58</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>cc</a>photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/phowardphoto/8884077070/”>howardpa58</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;

 

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