A Brownwood woman whose husband has been missing for almost two weeks received some good news today. After being sent on an urgent errand by his wife, Mr. Gophechit Nowe was found languishing in line at the local Walmart pharmacy. Mrs. Nowe expressed her concern. “I hope nobody has scratched the Buick. And tell him I need some Marlboros.”
Walmart lines, notorious for extended wait periods, don’t easily give up their prey. “This is a lucky man,” said Ms. Pill Phyller, Wal-Mart pharmacist. “Some of these Andro-gel, and Premarin patients can be terribly aggressive at times.” Ms. Phyller added that they must take care to separate any menopausal women waiting in line because a mob of them once generated a synchronized hot-flash that caused fire-damage to one Walmart.
Mr Nowe said that he witnessed clever survival techniques employed by fellow shoppers. At one point, he found himself physically engaged with another patron in a battle to enjoy a brief rest in the blood pressure monitoring booth. His opponent easily overpowered Mr. Nowe with a burst of sixty total hours of energy by bashing him over the head with a five-hour energy twelve pack. When asked to recall the worst part of his pharmaceutical mis-adventure, an emotional Mr. Nowe responded, “Negotiations. I had to swap three Viagra for one Cheeto and a piece of chewed bubble gum so I could eat. These people are ruthless!”
While sorting through the lines of pharmacy clientele in an effort to reach Mr. Nowe, rescuers found Clarence Anglin, John Anglin, and Frank Morris, the three inmates involved in the 1962 Alcatraz escape. The felonious trio threw themselves at their would-be liberators begging for rescue and to be taken back to Alcatraz. They were turned over to local authorities, who then forced them to go to the back of the line to serve out the remainder of their sentences. They have threatened to sue over cruel and unusual punishment.
The most fascinating discovery came later from investigators sifting through information gathered during the search and rescue event. Scientific samples recovered from the pharmacy area indicate striking similarities to unidentified DNA recovered from Otzi, the 5,300 year old ice man unearthed near Austria, suggesting that Otzi possibly died while awaiting a prescription refill at a prehistoric Walmart. Subsequent tests revealed that he may have been the unfortunate victim of a synchronized hot-flash. What does all this mean? Possibly, that Ol’ Roy is a lot older than previously thought.
Mr. Gophechit Nowe was not available for further comment. He was last seen headed for the tobacco isle pushing a cart filled with lunchables, a six-pack of Budweiser, and a lawn chair.
photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/walmart3/15494861772/”>Random Retail</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>cc</a>
photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/stevey/509301953/”>steveyb</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>cc</a>
photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/jasminedelilah/2498709932/”>jasminedelilah</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>cc</a>