The Supreme Court shocked America today when they declared that spoons do indeed make people fat. Liberals everywhere rejoiced in their win against the conservative cry, “Spoons don’t make people fat, people make people fat”. Conservatives continue to stick by this mantra and have vowed to overturn this decision.
While all types of spoons have recently been identified as the major cause of obesity, only a few of them will receive immediate scrutiny. Ultimately, laws will be passed that will phase-out all spoons in favor of less deadly utensils such as forks, and eventually, chopsticks, which are less capable of high calorie food transferral, e.g. gravy, potato salad, and cobbler. Spoon enthusiasts and members of the NSA, (National Spoon Association), turned out in record numbers today in Washington to protest this decision at our nation’s capital. Although all demonstrators were displeased, not all opinions expressed regarding future spoon laws were bad. “I pretty much just eat finger food anyhow,” said Billy Bob Que. “You know, like, ribs, brisket, and red beans. Corn bread is kinda like a utensil, and you can eat it too.”
Lawmakers insist that they will zero-in on the most deadly spoon types first. “The spork is our primary concern at the moment,” said liberal, Skinee Gene Fitz. “This lethal hybrid utensil provides grazing power that far exceeds the needs of the average diner. It’s fully capable of piercing a lump of potato, while simultaneously providing a magazine for delicious brown gravy.” Mrs Fitz concluded by saying that after the sporks, the higher capacity “table spoons” will be the next logical target.
Though the spork has most assuredly seen its last days, things may not be all bad for spoon owners. There is a proposal being considered that, if accepted, would provide select individuals with the opportunity to keep a spoon for self food consumption. Periodic weight checks would be mandatory, and spoons could not be carried into any restuarant offering an all-you-can-eat buffet. For some, though, this is still not enough. “People should actually be required to eat with a spoon,” said one concerned picketer. “I’ve got a cross-eyed cousin Billy that’s missing’ the tips of two fingers cause he thinks everything is finger food.”
The new spoon laws will not go into effect until after the 2016 election, so this could be an interesting playing card for politicians; leverage for some, a goal for many. Will conservatives win out and dispose of these laws? Will a more liberal Whitehouse come knocking on our doors to relieve us of what many Americans consider to be a god-given right? It’s too early to tell. The only thing certain at this point is that these are questions that only registered voters can answer by showing up at the polls.
In the wake of their latest victory, excited liberals announced future plans to take aggressive action against the confounded pencil for centuries of misspelled words.
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