A Brownwood youth, apprehended last week while attempting a getaway on foot after robbing a local convenience store, helped to expose a dark secret. While running across the parking lot, his pants, being worn at half mast in a style referred to as sagging, caused him to trip before getting very far. Law enforcement officers, while placing him under arrest, made a startling discovery. Sagging, often referred to as a disrespectful fashion statement, apparently has a more profound root cause. “As we were placing him in cuffs, we realized that he had no hips,” said the arresting officer.
An in-depth investigation launched into the probable cause of this newly discovered phenomenon has yielded positive results. Prompted by the recent attention garnered by the arrest, many more youths afflicted by sagging have made the decision to come out and make public their views of this shameful condition they share. “I don’t even like wearing boxers,” said one youth. “They’re old-peopley. Please find a cure.”
One suspected cause of this debilitating disease is hand-me-downs. Of those found to have contracted sagging, most are the youngest of several siblings. This is especially true in families where the older brothers and sisters are obese, and are of larger stature than the younger family members. It is only when the younger siblings attempt to wear the pants or shorts that are “handed down” that they discover they were born without any hips. Some, however, disagree with this. “I don’t believe this hand-me-down theory. I’ve been sagging ever since I was a toddler,” said Billy Rashmore. Billy’s statement offered some credibility to the idea that one probable cause of sagging is economic status. An interview with his mother reinforced this. “Billy was kid number five. We let them diapers get real full to save money.” Though economically effective, Medical professionals insist that this type of innovation should be avoided, otherwise the hips could atrophy, thus encouraging sagging later in life.
Pharmaceutical corporations worldwide
have scrambled to take full advantage of rallied together in response to this previously unknown disease. In a recent press release, Greedy Treetumall Inc., pharmaceutical giant, has announced that they will soon be offering medications, and possibly prosthetic hip augmentations for those who qualify. In the press conference the question was raised: “Couldn’t these kids just wear belts?” Treatumall’s response was less than positive. “We need to find a way for liberals to waste millions of dollars of taxpayer money “We need to fund research, and find a permanent solution. We’re talking years of study, maybe decades. Public safety is of the utmost importance.”
Medical professionals wish to impress upon the public that Sagging is a malady in of itself, and is not to be confused with its sister disease, Noassatall, a genetic disorder for which there is also no known cure.
Thanks to an unexpected discovery by law enforcement faithfully doing their job, and the courageous admissions of those suffering from a shameful disease, SFAC, or “Sagging For A Cure” has been established. “We’re now on the fast track to finding relief for millions,” said SFAC operations coordinator, Levi Droop. While Noassatall suffers may simply have to settle for being the unfortunate recipients of inferior ass genes, there may be hope for Sagging victims in the future.
Anyone suffering from sagging is encouraged to seek out their local SFAC chapter.
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