11/04/2014. In responsive to the torrential rain storms sweeping the nation, republicans have been accused of seizing control of the HAARP weather station in an effort to affect voter turnout. HAARP, High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, not to be confused with HARP, Home affordable Refinance Program, is the collaborative effort between the U.S. military and the United States government to interact with, and even control weather conditions. As a result of recent downpours, certain members of the voting community have been forced to remain indoors. Democrats, by nature relying upon republicans and other hard-working americans for their income, will make up the majority of the displaced voters as they cannot afford such luxuries as personal transportation. “This is what happens when the government doesn’t furnish us with an automobile,” said Darla Sponger, democrat. “We need some change.”
Republicans deny the accusations, saying that the wet weather is simply an act of god, someone who the democrats have shunned in favor of their own “new world order” agenda. “It’s their own fault. They locked him out of our schools, and booed him during the 2012 election. Maybe this is his way of getting’ em’ back,” said B.W.Redblood, gun-toting republican.
Still, the democrats refuse to accept that this is anything but pure, maniacal, underhanded no-goodness. “It just doesn’t rain during a drought, and we’re in the thick of one. This rain was custom ordered,” said Skitz L. Frenic, faithful democrat.
The only evidence that republicans may, in fact, be behind the unusual weather conditions is in their ability to hold down gainful employment, despite being advocates of heavy drinking, and whooping and hollering until late hours of the night. This demonstrates, claims democrats, an unprecedented toughness that democrats just don’t possess, and is necessary to brave the elements, giving them the republicans a leg-up. Also, republicans are armed with four-wheel drive pickup trucks with mud grip tires, thus gaining them an unfair advantage over stranded democrats.
The HAARP weather station has denied any implied allegations that they can in any way affect the weather. “We’re a mind control institution. And that is all.” The spokesperson for HAARP wishes to remain anonymous.
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