One of Brownwood’s iconic Mexican food restaurants shut their doors for a brief period today as health inspectors responded to claims of deliciousness and mouth-watering flavor. Chuck Realbudder, health inspector for the state of Texas remarked, “It’s as we suspected, they’re cooking with pure hog lard. You just don’t get this exquisite flavor with healthy oils.”
The big surprise came later during a routine analysis in an onsite, portable lab. The lard in question was discovered to be harboring an astonishing secret. “It’s like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” said Realbudder. “This is an extremely high-octane lard. Couple that fact with the sheer magnitude of this find, as a *bio-fuel, it could free North America from foreign oil dependency.
According to Realbudder, the lard has apparently been seeping into the substrate for many years, and there should be enough to supply America for decades, perhaps even centuries. To insure replenishment of the lard, return visits will be encouraged by offering punch cards to patrons which can be redeemed for free fill-ups at any number of local bio-fuel distributors. “This will help me to better afford my heart transplant anti-rejection drugs, and my cholesterol meds,” said one frequent customer.
Additionally, an accidental discovery was made while observing members of the local clientele. After long-term exposure to this particular strain of lard, male members have displayed an increase in the size of their abdomens. “I just thought this was a beer belly,” said Cecil Lowpants . The restaurant proprietors have since announced that they will be offering their special lard as a daily supplement in pill form. It is anticipated that it will promote longer, stronger appetites in men over forty. Any women seeking to increase the size of their men are encouraged to take advantage of this fantastic new supplement soon, before it’s declared a controlled substance.
Not all local response regarding the wonder lard has been positive. Some residents fear the new discovery may bring despair to their quiet town. There are concerns that West Commerce may become a lard field, with Mexican food restaurants soon lining its borders. “A ‘Boom’ always brings undesirable elements. it could introduce drugs to Brownwood. Maybe even housing projects,” said one concerned citizen.
The good and bad aside, the owners of the famous Restaurant remain excited. So much so, they will be altering their marquee to include a sizable depiction of a male abdomen with an octane rating inscribed over its belly button after a more accurate measurement of the lard’s potency is obtained.
* A fuel tax will now be included in the price of each meal.
photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/markscott/162791929/”>Eleventh Earl</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>