Walmart Woos Whippers

Screen Shot 2014-10-27 at 12.03.50 PMIn a stunning move today, Walmart announced that they will be creating designated whipping zones throughout their stores nationwide. “It’s been a problem for many years. No one wants to whip their kids in our stores,” said Bertha Beetum, Walmart spokesperson.

Generations of kids have suffered senselessly at the hands of Walmart shoppers who have, for years, spared the rod while searching for falling prices. “I was ostracized as child,” said Billy Heathen. “I was allowed to run amuck while my mother shopped for store brand items, and compared prices. I had no bruises to show off. Just creamy, white buns. I would sometimes fake a limp just try and fit-in. It never worked. (sob). Me and others like me became known as Wally’s kids.”

in-store credit will be given…

…Extra points will be awarded

To insure other children don’t suffer the same fate as Billy, Walmart is installing a fully equipped whipping station for every one hundred square feet in all stores. They will be clearly marked with yellow paint and there will be ample room to “get rowdy” said Mrs. Beetum. Cameras will be installed in order to judge the beatings whippings, and in-store credit will be given to encourage participation. Parents will be judged on style, duration , and intensity. Extra points will be awarded for reciting the phrase “Don’t-you-ever-do-that-again” repeatedly, and being careful to time every swat to fall perfectly on each syllable. Walmart recommends that parents practice at home during their spare time before attempting this effective, yet complex move. Non-parents are encouraged to gather around the whipping stations and take notes in the event that they too become parents themselves one day. Free popcorn and gatorade will be made available.

Also, there will be fully illustrated instruction manuals provided at each station for those parents who were neglected physically as children and are unaware what a whipping actually is. Special classes will be held weekly for those seeking help or just wanting a refresher course in proper child discipline. For those parents who would like for their kids to participate in these classes also, please contact your local Walmart for further information.

Those who need community service credit can take advantage of Walmart’s “stand-in-kid” program.  If you are on probation for doing something stupid, you were undoubtedly a victim of not being whipped at Walmart as a child. Walmart recognizes this by generously offering two hours community service credit for every thirty minute whipping session.

Finally, in light of the latest Ebola bullying incident, Walmart is also considering including smoking areas as well to provide a gathering place for smokers who wish to promote their disease in interest of a comeback alongside obesity and alcoholism.

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