It seems as though bullying knows no boundaries. Ever since Ebola first landed in the United states it has done nothing but ostracize the other top ailments. Ebola now owns the entire expanse of the spotlight after effectively edging out the big three–smoking, alcoholism, and obesity. Activists across the nation are voicing their outrage at this injustice. “Ban flights from Africa? What we need to do is focus on banning health food stores. For crying out loud, obesity is slipping through our fingers!” said one angry spokesperson.
In a recent press release, P90X announced they would remove their late night commercials for an unspecified period in an effort to revive obesity. “Even though people only use our program for a couple of days, we’re still offering hope and giving obesity a bad name. This Ebola is a real bully and it has to be stopped,” said some guy with incredible abs.
Gyms all over America will be shutting their doors tomorrow in favor of sponsoring high-calorie bakes sales in their parking lots as a universal apology for damaging the image of obesity. “As a further measure, we will also be implementing a rule that all tread mills must be out-fitted with a basket of buffalo wings and a draught beer dispenser,” said someone with three percent body fat.
One chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous declared their support by making a slight modification to their mission statement. Billy Bob Falstaff was eager make the announcement. “We’re officially changing our name from Alcoholics Anonymous to D.A.M.M., Drunks Against Mad Mothers.”
Bumper stickers and T-shirts are being printed and will be passed out during their next meeting. BYOB, no bottles please.”We hope this will encourage other AA chapters to act responsibly and follow our example in an effort to combat this insensitive disease. Together, we can whip this ol’ Ebola, and put alcoholism back on top” said Falstaff. Afterwards, there was a celebration at the local VFW.
No smokers were available for comment because there are no places for them to gather anymore.
Smoking, alcoholism, and obesity, once an inseparable trio, have strayed apart in recent years, but in the face of adversity and injustice are once again pulling together to prove that there is still hope for the American way of life, and no room for bullying.