Slow Traffic Light Heralds Pleasant Surprise

Traffic lights. Designed to create an air of tranquility among motorists, and ease the merger of automobiles as they move from one lane of traffic into another. The new traffic light at East Commerce and Riverside Park Dr., however,  has caused quite a stir among local Brownwood residents. Motorists attempting to exit from the Tractor Supply outlet complain that wait times are longer than ever. “We’ve been here three days,” said Red Buckworth in a recent interview. Red and his family set up camp in a nearby median. He built a lean-to from scraps they salvaged from the nearby Pecan Bayou. “There’s still a couple pollywogs in that mud hole beneath the bridge,” he said. “And we been straining drinking water through one of my socks so I figure we got a day or two left. We just gotta keep an eye peeled on that light.”

For those traveling along East Commerce, however,  things have really sped up. The never changing green eye staring down oncoming traffic only goads them on, encouraging them to go faster. The Goggle Eyed Gazette managed to catch up with one of them at the “Traffic T”, where the red lights seem to work just fine, and asked their opinion on the new light. “Traffic has never moved faster on east commerce,” offered Jr. Leadfoot. “However, I keep seeing these squatters back yonder a ways. I’d like to stop and tell em’ to quit trashing up the place and move on, but I can’t because that light won’t turn red.”

A brief interview within city hall indicates that relief is in the works. “We intend to fine Mr. Buckworth and his family for violating zoning laws, and also for operating a water purification plant without a permit,” said one official. “The Parks and Wildlife Dept. will be notified as well, so they can verify that he has a fishing license.”

On a lighter note, the city unveiled plans to construct official rest areas at all the traffic lights around town that have extended wait periods. To use them, motorists would just need to purchase a yearly permit from city hall.

“Were trying to put a positive spin on this,” said Mayor Bigtacks.

The mayor insisted that only a minor tax increase, in addition to any revenue collected from the permits, should offset the costs of the rest areas.

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