Walmart traffic was really on the move today. As the store pulsed and throbbed with its usual overflow of convenience seeking shoppers–all taking advantage of the one-stop shopping experience– the retail giant made the surprising decision to add additional lanes to help alleviate some pressure. Onlookers watched in amazement as the lanes seemed to just materialize before their eyes. Local Brownwood shopper, Hattie Gruntmore, said, “‘I’ve seen those things there before, but I just thought they were around for looks. Sorta like a decoration.”
Law enforcement had to be notified
Not all was well though. News travels fast in a small town, and it wasn’t long before the parking lot filled to capacity. Law enforcement had to be notified to direct traffic and temporarily restrict access to allow everyone the opportunity to experience the rare phenomenon. Three sets of automated doors burned out and had to be propped open with customer service employees (who weren’t especially busy despite the long lines at their stations), and two door greeters passed out from oxygen deprivation after welcoming too many people in succession. Walmart is now considering lowering the legal age for door greeters to seventy.
Eventually, a massive, angry traffic jam extending all the way to Heartland mall, and westward well beyond Bangs Hill brought the once in a lifetime event to a premature end. All totaled there were three five hour energy overdoses, a dozen heatstrokes, and ten counts of infidelity. Six hernias, and one prosthetic breast malfunction occurred when a horde of angry wives tried to construct an assault tower using a Prius, three Smart Cars, and a Ford Focus in an attempt to overpower police in riot gear.
In a press release later this afternoon, Walmart officials offered a statement during which they apologized for their poor judgement. “Brownwood is just not yet ready for more than three check-out lanes,” said B.S. Greedee, Walmart’s regional manager.
In the wake of this recent disaster, Walmart has also promised to go the extra mile and do whatever it takes to maintain the long, slow check-out lanes Brownwood has grown accustomed to. Officials indicated that they would rearrange their merchandise on a weekly basis in order to keep more of us shopping, and fewer people checking out at any given time.